Liquid Plumber: Joe's Wardrobe Costs GOP $150K
Defiance, OH -- Controversial new campaign financial disclosures are rocking the waning days of Senator John McCain's 2008 White House bid.
In the midst of a tightening presidential race between Mr. McCain and Democratic Senator Barack Obama, the supposedly biased media is clearly resisting every opportunity to slant the news against the creepy, disconnected, Bush-loving old guy from Arizona.
On Friday, the Republican National Committee reported receipts amounting to nearly $150,000 for clothing, cosmetic treatments, and beef jerky allocated to McCain campaign phenomenon Samuel "Joe the Plumber" Wurzelbacher.
McCain senior strategist and speechwriter Mark Salter dismissed the bills as "irrelevant" and "false" while insisting, "even if the story were true, and it is, Obama will raise taxes."
Surprisingly, only $975 of the $150K was allocated by the RNC for Joe the Plumber's long-sleeve T-shirts, Red Wing work boots, Wrangler jeans, and Hanes boxers.
"Look, we obviously had to spend a lot of money on makeup and day spas," said Mr. Salter, "He's a handsome man, but we could all use a little touch-up, couldn't we?"
The committee also compensated a team of mavericky hair stylists a total of $73,500 for two weeks' contract employment, but scalp wax, buffing, and polishing were paid from a different budget.
Joe the Plumber is energizing crowds of Mr. McCain's supporters at last-ditch rallies in the battleground rustbelt state of Ohio, one of the leading U.S. producers of ditches.
However, he did fail to show up at an event scheduled for Thursday in Defiance, Ohio, even though he had told the campaign he would arrive sometime between 7:00 AM and 6:00 PM.
The RNC denied rumors that the popular, iconic tradesman would replace Governor Sarah Palin, the fading vice presidential star on the Republican ticket, although other sources anticipate the creation of a new Cabinet position, Secretary of Skilled Trades.
"I don't know anything about the GOP base being galvanized," Mr. Plumber-Wurzelbacher said. "You should go with PVC or copper."
