U.S. Economy Inflates and Recedes Simultaneously

Washington, DC -- Consumer spending in the U.S. hit a new low during 2008's third quarter, according to data compiled by official data compilation experts.

Independent corroboration of the report's data was unavailable due to so many independent data compilation organizations having gone out of business. The exact number of organizations was unavailable.

America's turgid economy has finally oozed over the brink of a deep financial chasm, the likes of which has not been seen or smelled or imagined for decades.

The world banking crisis, rising commodity costs, and an uncertain energy supply have combined to ignite a paper bag of dog poo left on the doorsteps of hapless consumers.

At the same time the world monetary supply tightens, prices continue to soar. According to gifted moneyologist Warren Buffet, the costs of luxury yachts and Moet & Chandon champagne have risen nearly 400% in just seven years, although according to Mr. Buffet the inflationary spiral hurts the very wealthy "not one damned bit -- we're too rich."

"We are witnessing a perfect storm of inflation, recession, and a little depression," according to the University of Phoenix's Dr. Ruth Helen Gurney. "The last time so many destructive elements combined to undermine the economy was in 2007 when Microsoft introduced Vista."

"It is a volatile, fragile, dangerous situation right now," Dr. Gurney continued. "We are extremely vulnerable to hostile market forces. For example, a new Guns 'n' Roses tour and all of their inevitable cancellations could cause unimaginable damage to our faltering economy. They must be stopped."    

The grim fiscal outlook has driven many struggling businesses to embrace mergers and acquisitions. At the present rate of corporate implosion, America's diverse commercial assets will inevitably consolidate into one bank, one airline, and one fast food chain.

The national pharmacy chain Walgreens announced it intends to erect a drug store at each corner of selected intersections, all operating under the same name and with the same inventory.

"We've done our homework," said Cliff Dink, Walgreens V.P. of Marketing. "Our demographic research tells us our customers have no particular brand loyalty but express strong preferences for specific compass points."