Bush Ratings Lower Than Pirates, Wall St. Brokers

Washington, DC -- Embattled U.S. President George W. Bush continues his long, slow decline into history's dumpster.

A new Gallup poll places Mr. Bush's current approval rating somewhere between Brussels sprouts and explosive diarrhea.

"The Administration's handling of foreign affairs and the events leading up to the current financial crisis is taking a toll on President Bush's credibility," senior pollster R. Kevin Buck told news agencies Thursday. "It's like watching a monkey trying to fuck a football."

Mr. Bush's name has become synonymous with selfish, blockheaded ruthlessness in much the same way the public perceives financial traders, TV game show hosts, and seafaring buccaneers.

"We may have hijacked ships and contributed to Somali anarchy," said professional pirate Sugale Ali Omar, currently holding hostage a Ukrainian freighter laden with Russian tanks, "but at least we didn't scuttle our political party's chances of winning a crucial election."

"Call me a cutthroat, a renegade, or even a douchebag," Mr. Omar continued. "Just don't think about calling me 'Mr. President.' I can't take that."

Mr. Bush's dismal ratings have dogged his tenure and threaten to undermine whatever legacy can be salvaged from one of the lamest presidencies in the modern era.

Republicans -- desperate to limit the damage to their 2008 election chances -- have closed ranks around Mr. Bush, their party's nominal leader, forming an impressive circular firing squad.

Following last night's reasonably positive vice presidential debate, the McCain campaign denied that it had approached Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm to replace Ms. Palin on the GOP ticket.

Ms. Granholm acted as a stand-in hockey mom during Senator Joe Biden's debate practice sessions.

"Sure, we know Governor Granholm's a Democrat and everything," said McCain senior advisor Steve Schmidt, "but we heard she was so composed and experienced and knowledgeable. Governor Palin did just fine, though. The race is still on, even though I'm out fifty bucks."

"Bottom line?" he added. "Senator McCain really digs hot governors. It's a thing."

Conservative columnist Peggy Noonan, writing in the Wall Street Journal, admitted that her initial skepticism about the feisty Alaskan governor had now evolved into sexual obsession.

"Her folksy, populist appeal is what caught my attention initially," Ms. Noonan said in Friday morning's article, "but now I dream of being the meat in a Sarah Palin/Tina Fey sandwich."