There's a Party in My Pants
Editor's note: Bob C. is on location in St. Paul, live-blogging the 2008 Republican National Convention. Here is a summary of his reports.
Wednesday, September 3
11:40AM Yes, I got here late. What a night I had. Three women at my hotel asked me if I wanted a massage. I thought they were hookers but it turns out they were delegates from Indiana. One in particular had skills -- and strong hands like a farmer's wife. She told me she attended her first GOP convention in 1972 when Nixon won his second nomination. Unlike that sordid affair, last night had a happy ending.
12:56PM I use the restroom. Four men -- plainclothes security, I assume -- are beating the crap out of a twenty-something guy. I don't know if he is a protester or maybe a delegate who questioned the Party platform.
2.30PM More procedural stuff. Blah, blah, blah. Republicans sure love to read long lists of rules.
5:23PM I use the restroom again. No assaults this time, except on my sense of smell.
9:37PM Mitt Romney speaks. Sometimes my mind wanders and I
9:55PM Bob Schieffer is a jackass. I see Jon Voight in the crowd and work my way over to talk to him. Just when I am about to ask Angelina's daddy for an autograph, Schieffer kicks me behind the knee. I fold like a cheap lawn chair. Bastard CBS reporter would do anything for an interview.
10:03PM I hate to say I told you so. Correction -- I love to say I told you so. One more concrete sign of the Apocalypse's proximity: the antichrist speaks tonight! His taunts are scary and exciting at the same time. Those cold, dead eyes; that pale, phosphorescent skull; the snaggly teeth, grinning humorlessly. How did Rudy Giuliani at one time manage to be the GOP frontrunner, even for a nanosecond?
10:32PM Sarah Palin takes the stage and I feel an electrical charge, like the time the CIA connected electrodes to my testicles. I didn't talk then but I'm talking now. The crowd is hot for her in the same way your prospects suddenly improve when it's late and the lounge is ready to close.
10:45PM I wonder how she'll look in the cold light of day, with her hairdo askew and her lipstick smeared. I don't mean that in a sexist way -- after seeing her up close and hearing her play back the speech downloaded by her programmers, I'm almost certain Sarah Palin is an exquisitely-crafted robot.
10:40PM She looks directly at me during one of the many intervals in which she has to wait for applause to subside. Just a glance but it feels like she is gazing right through me, or scanning me or something. In that brief instant she mouths the words "I want you now" or maybe "join me or die."
Thursday, September 4
1:33PM Another late one, last night. I learned some things about elephants. Elephants learned some things about me.
2:05PM I walk outside the main hall to get some bottled water. Four fucking dollars at the vending machine. "Twin Cities" means everything is twice as much.
3:44PM What a nicely dressed crowd. Lots of suits and dresses. Everyone looks like they just arrived at a Bob Evans restaurant after Sunday church service. Not surprising.
5:15PM I'm starving. I can't believe I left my MREs and mole pemmican back at the hotel room. I have to eat or I'll never make it to McCain's coronation.
6:08PM Long lines and nothing for supper except a bruised apple. $3.50 is a better deal than the water, I suppose. I use a nickel to peel off the skin (like my mother taught me) because fruit is almost universally contaminated with shiny toxins and potential food poisoning.
9:00PM Those guys with the tall, Dr. Seuss-looking red, white, and blue sparkly hats are creeping me out. Clearly overcompensating for something lacking in their own personal "party platforms," I'm guessing.
9:49PM It will be such a relief to no longer have to say "presumptive Republican presidential nominee" every time John McCain's name is mentioned.
10:14PM I'm waiting for John McCain to stop in the middle of his speech and just disintegrate like those Nazis in Raiders of the Lost Ark. I'm not implying McCain is a fascist; I simply mean he looks like a guy who could disintegrate unexpectedly.
10:20PM This man is a galactic black hole from which charisma cannot escape.
10:39PM I will summarize: Obama is lame and inexperienced. Democrats will raise taxes just before blowing up the world. Republicans want to eliminate Big Government except for the parts where it controls your private life, including sex and religion. Got it. I got it, already.
10:47PM Johnny is up way past his bedtime. Expect extra crankiness tomorrow.
10:55PM He presents a compelling case. This speech really brings the peanut butter to the jelly. Everything makes sense as long as you don't think about it; kind of like a Steven Seagal movie. Maybe the McCain-Palin message of change will finally turn me into a believer.
10:56PM That'll happen about the same time a monkey flies out of my ass. No, make that a flying monkey holding a brick.
