Poll: McCain Old and White, Obama Young and Black

Tampa, FL -- New polls suggest the 2008 presidential election process relies too much on polls.

The U.S. electorate depends on polls to detect trends and clarify positions -- a state of affairs unlikely to change until a rumored switch to an American Idol-style panel of judges takes effect.

Poll usage has increased by over 900% relative to the 2004 Bush-Kerry contest, at that time the most heavily-polled election in history. If the present rate continues, by the year 2016 survey results will directly elect candidates -- eliminating any need to cast a vote at all.

A recent canvassing of almost two thousand registered voters reveals that 55% believe polls help them decide which contender they prefer, 67% find polls tend to be volatile and unfairly skewed, and 88% think polls are for idiots and refuse to offer an opinion.

Results like these, while comprehensive and relevant, challenge the abilities of those who must interpret them.

"We accumulate plenty of raw data," said thirty-year veteran statistician Nelson Temple of Scranton, PA, "even when we don't embroider reality with made up bullshit. The tough part is making sense of it."

"This week," he continued, "49% of those surveyed indicate Governor Sarah Palin is not as hot as they first thought, yet 47% are convinced she is hotter than ever. With a 3% margin of error, what am I supposed to do with that?"

Ms. Palin is stumping hard on the campaign trail, culminating with staying at a Holiday Inn Express motel in New York to prepare for a full schedule of meetings with notable foreign policy maven Dr. Henry Kissinger, newly elected Pakistani President Asif Ali Zadari, and the embattled leader of Afghanistan, Hamid Karzai.

The Democratic and Republican Parties attempt to spin their presidential candidates' age, gender, or pigmentation, but the deep-seated bias and even bigotry of voters are often untapped until Election Day.

Although millions of Americans have expressed their reservations about Senator Barack Obama's credentials, sincerity, or relative lack of experience, pollsters suggest voters could be too embarrassed to express their own innate racism.

"A lot of people admire Obama because he's eloquent and inspirational," said expert poll apologist Dr. Kenneth C. Davis of Ohio State University, "but the idea of having a black guy in the White House scares the poop right out of them. They'd rather drink a tall, cold glass of Chinese milk."

Senator John McCain, on the other hand, is old enough and white enough to appeal to the very large percentage of the electorate that is old and white.

"It's like that joke," added OSU's Dr. Davis. "'I want to die in my sleep like Grandfather, not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.'"