Geneva, Switzerland -- Scientists at the CERN nuclear research facility expressed favorable initial reactions to their particle-collision experiments that commenced early Wednesday.
CERN's unprecedented tests, conceived to reveal the definitive origin and ultimate fate of the universe, employ a 16 mile-long magnetic accelerator loop buried hundreds of feet below the Franco-Swiss border.
Mysteries to be solved include: When did the universe begin? How big was the Big Bang? What did it sound like? Where is everything going? What does it all mean?
"The preliminary results, they are encouraging, for sure," project manager Dr. Claude-Charles Trebuchet said in a phone interview. "We are anxious to move our inquiries beyond the very tiny energy particles and start smashing some bigger crap."
Other objects scheduled for collision in the $5 billion accelerator include golf balls, beer bottles, assorted fruits and vegetables, and two 1964 Chevrolet Corvairs.
Fourteen years of intensive planning and construction preceded Wednesday's triumph, although a growing backlash of dread threatens to bring the accelerator program to a grinding, anticlimactic halt.
Concerned local residents, as well as many inhabitants of greater Europe, fear the revolutionary experimentation will lead to the creation of micro black holes, a massively catastrophic explosion, disruption of the space/time continuum, or a very bad smell.
The CERN accelerator's staff received nearly ten thousand separate death threats in the last two years, although religious leaders subsequently apologized.
Undeterred by pessimistic zealots and sci-fi fans, CERN's physicists scamper forward in pursuit of fundamental truths.
"These messages of hate and distrust are based on superstition and ignorance," said CERN's Dr. Trebuchet. "Our investigations are founded on solid principles of prediction, modeling, and analysis."
"It is absolutely impossible for our esoteric and experimental tampering with the laws of nature to harm our planet or negatively affect the human race," he added. "Although if we're wrong, everything will be over so quickly you'll never know what hit you."
