Nude Photos Sidetrack McCain Campaign

St. Paul, MN -- Senator John McCain's Friday announcement of his Republican VP pick has tapped a fully pressurized, foaming keg of adversity.

Newly disclosed and blatantly provocative photographs of Mr. McCain taken during his U.S. Navy tour of duty on the battleship USS Maine now threaten to undermine the presumptive GOP presidential nominee's campaign.

"Friends, I've always been a rowdy, rebellious maverick -- even more so, back in the day," Mr. McCain told reporters on Monday. "I do what I want. Posing naked as a jaybird for a calendar was just another way for me to express those admirable qualities."

Arguably, the circulation of Mr. McCain's beefcake photo spread effectively diverts attention away from his highly controversial running mate, Governor Sarah Palin.

The commander-in-chief of Alaska, America's first line of defense against Russian expansionism, has thrilled conservatives predisposed to adore the governor's many attributes, which include an apparent commitment to family values, a willingness to cheerfully exploit natural resources, and her sexy-librarian smokin' good looks.

Most Democrats and many independent voters are somewhat less impressed by Ms. Palin's wafer-thin dossier.

"Sure, she can tear down and rebuild a Bombardier 500cc snowmobile engine in under an hour," said recently pepper-sprayed protester and women's rights activist Nancy Thresher, "but is Sarah Palin ready to lead this country?"

The 2008 Republican National Convention has had its share of twists and turns so far.

Much like Mr. McCain's sluggish White House bid, hurricane Gustav launched itself upon the United States with less force than predicted. Many RNC events and speakers were postponed or cancelled in anticipation of Katrina v2.0 -- including plans for Ms. Palin to pop out of a comically large cake while clad in a skimpy swimsuit.

Experienced observers of jacked-up elections admit that Ms. Palin might not be hot enough to ride out the ever-growing storm of criticism that surrounds her, leaving the embattled Mr. McCain no option except to throw her under the wheels of his "Straight Talk Express" bus.

Mr. McCain's staff adamantly maintains they performed a thorough and complete "vetting" of Ms. Palin before a final decision was made last week.

"We understood how important this screening process was to Senator McCain," said one of the hundreds of anonymous attorneys serving the Arizonian's campaign. "I personally spent countless hours and many late nights Googling 'palin hot vp' and 'sexy republican milf' and every other combination I could think of."

"It wasn't easy, filtering out all of the hits for Cindy McCain," he added.