Celebrities Struggling to Make Ends Meet

Los Angeles, CA -- The world's sagging economy is placing severe hardships on a majority of famous, beautiful people, many of whom are barely able to keep up.

Bank failures, rising food and energy costs, the mortgage crisis -- it's never been more difficult for fabulously wealthy stars to afford life's basic necessities.

In particularly hard hit regions like Beverly Park or the Hamptons, some of the most impoverished privileged are unable to maintain their premium cable TV programming, dine out more than five nights a week, or even purchase the latest cell phones.

It was not very long ago that many popular sports legends, movie stars, and musicians were able to afford to hunt live human prey. They are now forced to economize. Today they hunt rare and endangered species of animals instead, just to get by.

The latest published compilation of celebrities' annual incomes indicates how badly the economy has tanked.

With Dr. Phil's estimated one year salary of approximately $40 million, Judge Judy Sheindlin and David Letterman tied at $45 million each, Howard Stern earning $70 million, and Oprah Winfrey topping out at $275 million annually, it's easy to see that almost everyone is suffering.

Even the families of famous and important politicians feel the pinch, as illustrated by recent stories about the number of homes (seven or possibly fifteen residences) owned by Senator John McCain and his wife Cindy. Mr. McCain was unsure of the exact count. Clearly, a larger, more impressive number of homes would be easier to remember.

Some of the most prominent and glamorous celebrities are now forced to order their domestic staff to serve frozen creamed orphan on toast points or canned poached breast of bald eagle instead of fresh.

Meanwhile, average Americans who are not famous or popular or attractive are subsisting on diets of wienie water, dust bunnies, and grass clippings.

These disenfranchised wage slaves draw solace by remembering that their favorite actor, athlete, or musical performer is enjoying a lush, comfortable lifestyle of relative prosperity and ease.

"I sold one of my kidneys to make last month's rent payment," said part-time hair stylist Tammy Fitzmaurice of Bardstown, KY. "We had spackling paste for dinner again last night. As long as Dale Earnhardt Jr. and Elisabeth Hasselbeck are paid what they deserve, we'll manage somehow."