Candidates Waging Battle of Quotes, Sources Say

New York, NY -- It's never been more difficult to separate whining from substance. America's 2008 presidential race is fully engaged, but truth and credibility are not.

The road to the White House is littered with the corpses of shattered reality and common decency -- casualties of one of the ugliest, nastiest major U.S. elections since 2004.

A storm surge of windy rhetoric, bad-humored sound bites, and overheated metaphors threatens the coastlines of this nation's political scene.

"Our focus is not just on winning," said Republican strategist Payton Conch of Tupelo, MS. "It's about change and a vision for the future. Wait. No. It's totally about winning."

Thanks to a news media whose overriding priority is to prevent journalism from getting in the way of a great five-second quote, the stunning lack of meaningful political discourse threatens to tear the country asunder -- if news about it actually broke out.

When the nation's leadership is determined by brand marketing and TV commercial carpet-bombing, democracy caves in and becomes the mass media's little bitch.

"We would never allow the lack of factual evidence get in the way of a good story," said network news executive producer Gene Schmee. "Our policy is to approach news as a starting point -- the genesis, if you will, of commercially successful content."

"Voters get the press coverage and government they deserve," he continued. "Who receives higher ratings, Bill Moyers or Katie Couric?"

Democratic Senator Barack Obama and Republican Senator John McCain are fighting for the U.S. presidency as if it's the last pork chop.

Both men are talented, thoughtful public servants; each of them has a plan to guide America through its international challenges and current financial constipation. Unfortunately, their relentless grab for votes reduces each of them to the status of a cartoon character.

Meanwhile, vice presidential candidates Senator Joe Biden and Governor Sarah Palin are scheduled to compete in identically-prepared NASCAR stock cars at Daytona International Speedway on September 26th.

"It's a good thing I love the sound of my own voice," Mr. Obama said while stumping in the battleground state of Virginia. "It tickles the inside of my ears and makes me very happy. Everything I say, however, seems to be twisted by my opponent's lackeys and surrogates.

"If I make a statesmanlike remark such as, 'Republicans seem like they are not capable of stopping themselves from saying I eat babies,' it's broadcast within fifteen minutes."

Just in from Fox News: Obama says, "Republicans…are not capable. I eat babies." Story at eleven.