Obama, McCain to Quit, End Campaigns on High

Springfield, IL -- Democratic presidential candidate Senator Barack Obama shocked supporters and foes alike, with the announcement he intends to end his White House bid. The decision was revealed Tuesday -- just days before he was expected to divulge his much anticipated Vice Presidential decision.

Despite having won sufficient delegates to clinch his party's nomination, and with most polls showing a slim but clear lead over his rival, Senator John McCain, Mr. Obama elected to terminate his campaign.

"Senator Obama has enjoyed a vigorous and rewarding challenge for the presidency," said Obama campaign manager David Plouffe, "and there have been shining moments he will treasure forever. He simply feels it is best to depart with positive memories."

"We've all met people we like at first," Mr. Plouffe continued, "but after a little while they get on our nerves, never return DVDs, constantly mooch money and food, and increase the tax on capital gains. Senator Obama prefers to avoid that shift in perception. He wants to be remembered as being one of the most charismatic and exciting candidates of all time."

Contrary to speculation Mr. McCain would announce his Republican VP pick immediately following the Democratic National Convention, new rumors suggest the Spanish-American War veteran will likewise quit the contest -- clearly an attempt to deflate some of Mr. Obama's post-event "bounce."

Despite Mr. McCain's repeated insistence he would stay in the race "for a hundred years if necessary," leaky aides now admit the feisty U.S. Senator from Arizona will wind down his own campaign at a rally scheduled in Dayton, Ohio on August 29; coincidentally the date of Mr. McCain's 104th birthday.

"This is another example of media bias tilting toward our opponent," said McCain senior policy advisor Douglas Holtz-Eakin. "If Senator Obama drops out, he's a hero. If Senator McCain quits, he's a cranky old lobbyist's tool. It's not fair."

"Big John never thought he had a serious shot at winning this thing, anyway," Mr. Holtz-Eakin added. "His only hope would be if the drinking age is lowered and college students are drunk enough to vote for him."

Although Senator Hillary Clinton finished closely behind Mr. Obama in the Democratic primaries and would appear to be the logical second choice, the former First Lady's disappointing performance on the campaign trail has clearly eliminated her from consideration as a viable candidate.

"Hillary's acrobatics were a sight to behold during the primaries -- truly inspired," said Romanian five-time gold medalist Nadia Comaneci, "but her constant back-pedaling during the women's cross-country cycling events ended her chances."

In the competition to win the soon-to-be-open Democratic presidential nomination, gold medal-winning U.S. Olympic gymnast Nastia Liukin currently leads teammate Shawn Johnson by .050 points.

Thanks to the American public's complete lack of interest in Governor Mitt Romney, Governor Mike Huckabee, or any of the other remaining Republican candidates, independent candidate Ron Paul now emerges as the new 2008 overall frontrunner.

The former Texas legislator is projected to win 4% of the total vote, giving him a two-point margin over the Democratic gymnastic dream team, Libertarian Bob Barr, and whichever party is running Ralph Nader. Experts predict total voter turnout in November could reach as high as 9%. Non-experts think the number will be higher or lower.