Dayton, OH -- GOP Senator John McCain announced his 2008 vice presidential running mate during a rally in Ohio on Friday.
Ending weeks of feverish speculation -- and cloak-and-dagger secrecy -- regarding his ruminations, Mr. McCain astounded supporters and foes alike with his choice of single-term Alaska Governor Sarah Palin.
Ms. Palin's relative youth at age 44 and lack of big-time government experience were not perceived by Mr. McCain as liabilities to be overcome.
"Sarah Palin represents the finest qualities of our nation's largest State, Alaska," the Spanish-American War veteran told a capacity crowd at the Nutter Center sports arena. "She has boundless resources, she's beautiful, and she's ready to be drilled."
Elected in 2006 as governor of a state that has a population density lower than outer space, the former basketball player and beauty queen acquired the nickname "Sarah Barracuda" for her competitive ferocity in pageant competitions.
This sexiest bright hope of conservatives once kilt a grizzly with her bare hands, and was awarded the mayoralty of Wasilla, one of Alaska's least-amusingly named cities, as first prize for winning the famous Iditarod dogsled race in 1996.
The surprise pick of Ms. Palin for the VP post could be construed as an overt attempt to woo disgruntled supporters of defeated Democratic presidential runner Senator Hillary Clinton, although experts believe adding Senator Joe Biden to the ticket provides enough compelling "man candy" sex appeal to win back a majority of female voters.
Mr. McCain dismissed widespread Republican Party protests about his decision, and ignored pundits who derided Ms. Palin's candidacy as "cynical" and "pandering to horny old conservative dudes."
"My friends, I know this takes the whole 'experienced and fit to lead' debate right off the table," Mr. McCain said, "but look at her, she's hot! And I know about hot looking women!"
"I did ask her to tone down the make up," he added. "I can't have my vice president looking like a whore."
Internet service providers scrambled to shore up sputtering servers already strained by "Cindy McCain MILF" image searches, although actor David Duchovny promised he would quit his compulsive web-surfing and immediately checked himself in for treatment at a sex addiction clinic.
"Sarah Palin is going to push our resources to the limit," said Google Chief Technology Officer Greg Van Wert. "I just pray to God no one uncovers video clips of the governor having a dorm pillowfight during her college days. YouTube will flat out burst into flames, I'm telling you."
