Internet Overrun by Whiny Commenters

San Francisco, CA -- From its inception, the Internet used to be universally accessible, but current trends indicate it is now reserved for the exclusive use of an elitist cadre of frustrated, whining wiseacres.

These Web-based bullies -- living in their mother's remodeled basement bedrooms and hiding behind online aliases -- find it is much easier to submit snarky, cynical criticism than to actually compose worthwhile original content.

Consuming massive bandwidth every time they upload crudely Photoshopped images of Britney Spears spanking Miley Cyrus, and bantering with like-minded trolls while taking breaks from surfing explicit Internet porn, Web bullies loaf along in the passing lane of the information superhighway.

"It's as if they've invaded the 'Net," said Mountlake Terrace, WA Web-user profiling expert Dom Traynor. "If you have ever wondered what your employer's IT guys do during their off-time, this is it. Actually, a lot of them do it at work, too."

"Those geeks are mean," he continued, "and some of them are just bug-eating crazy."

Similarly, social news networks are online communities that fill cyberspace with opinionated chatter about real-time events because no one in meatspace wants to hear their opinions.

"Social news networks are sort of a Facebook/MySpace bastard love child," Mr. Traynor continued. "If the participants didn't have computers they would just yell at Katie Couric like everyone else does."

If the current situation continues, blogs, online order forms, surveys, and dating questionnaires are expected to collapse beneath the crushing onslaught of gratuitous commenting.

"Opinionated commenters are out of control," said Mr. Traynor. "Some of them are so far gone, they even enter wise-ass remarks when they electronically file their income tax returns."

"We are about to witness the end of what was once an exciting opportunity for people to engage in electronic dialogue," he added. "I expect fully-formed, capable, confident sites will continue to keep their comment fields open, whereas weaker, less creative, and more insecure sites will simply refuse to accept reader feedback."