I Told You So What

Special Report -- You may not believe it, but I detest being right all the time. The world hasn't ended in a dramatic Hollywood B-movie cataclysm, but the Apocalypse is imminent just the same. I know where to look.

There I was last weekend, trying on my fancy clothes for the upcoming Democratic and Republican National Conventions, when the news crackled in over the shortwave: Russia had invaded Georgia. My first thought was clever bastards; I always thought they would come in through Florida. My second thought was what took them so long?

I suppose the defenders' resistance has been fierce -- everyone in that part of the U.S. is heavily armed -- but those folks are going to need some help. Maybe we should airlift a couple million pounds of ground beef into the combat zone. That will stop those Bolsheviks in their tracks. E. coli O157:H7 or litigation, whatever it takes. There are almost 1.4 million lawyers in metropolitan Atlanta. Bloody stools and compensatory damages.

Russia has made an amazing comeback. A few years ago, the former Communist juggernaut had dwindled down to impotency and dereliction. Look at them now, feeling all feisty with their petroleum revenue and extortion money, projecting their military might and crushing their opposition just like the Old Days.

An invasion of the United States is exactly what's needed to bring our fractious country back together. There's nothing like an election year to remind you just how low humans can go. Even worse than the way consumer products are marketed.

My comprehensive analysis, consultations with experts, and childlike imagination have combined in a most enlightening way -- an Obama presidency will definitely unite this nation's racists, hatemongers, and idiots. Think about it.

The reality of a President Barack Obama will galvanize White nationalists, Nazis, and idiots into taking action. Every single day for these asshats will feel like a toothache soaked in turpentine. Anticipate an unprecedented influx of strongly worded emails streaming into the Oval Office. I predict some of those emails will sarcastically mention "the Not-so-White House." How can normal people like you defend themselves against these haters?

Incidentally, don't rule out John Edwards from contention as Senator Obama's vice presidential running mate. He's still handsome (maybe more so than ever), experienced (as a Democratic vice presidential candidate), and by revealing himself to be a lying douchebag has thereby inoculated himself against future scandal. Look at that face. You can't stay mad at the guy. He's dreamy.

Republican Senator John McCain, on the other hand, heard that China was beating us at the Olympics, so he proposed a "show of force" to let the Chinese know the U.S. will not tolerate aggression. He also insisted our athletes will stay in Beijing for a hundred years if necessary. Whatever it takes.

If I close my eyes I can almost imagine a dream I might have had, but didn't. Scimitar-wielding Cossacks wearing long beards and funny pants, racing on black horses across Armageddon's horizon, populate my possible dream. Michael Phelps in hell's fiery pits of despair, broiling America's tainted burgers to an internal temperature of 160 degrees F, rendering them less juicy but safe for consumption. The hamburgers are a metaphor. Any associated condiments are not.

That is the crux of the rub of the biscuit on the green.