Robert Novak Drives to Top of McCain VP List
Washington, DC -- Deposed GOP presidential aspirant Mitt Romney is in serious but stable condition due to injuries he sustained while crossing a street in the nation's capital Wednesday morning.
Accident scene eyewitnesses said the fabulously handsome former governor of Massachusetts was in a marked pedestrian crosswalk on K Street when a speeding Chevrolet Corvette convertible driven by semi-conservative commentator Robert Novak struck him.
"The good-looking guy tried to get out of the way," U.S. Treasury clerk Amanda Boatswain told a WJLA-TV reporter, "but the ugly guy in the black 'Vette swerved to nail him. It was horrific."
"They went three or four blocks with -- I guess you said it was Governor Romney -- sprawled on the car's windshield," Ms. Boatswain added. "The poor man looked more surprised than hurt."
Mr. Novak was cited for failing to yield, a charge he angrily dismissed.
"I don't yield and I never back down," the syndicated political columnist and cockfighting hobbyist told the reflection in his shaving mirror Thursday. "Unless, of course, I change my mind or come up with a better story. That sort of thing."
Considered by political insiders to be the newest genuine contender for the hotly speculated McCain VP slot, Mr. Novak re-laced his string-back driving gloves and declined elaboration.
"My personal integrity is beyond reproach," he said. "Read about that and more in tomorrow's edition of my newspaper column."
Presumptive Republican presidential candidate Senator John McCain expressed relief that Mr. Novak was unhurt.
"If Bob had missed that miscreant son of a bitch it would only mean he'd have to go back and finish the job," Mr. McCain said while campaigning at a German restaurant in Columbus, Ohio. "We must not allow jaywalking to overrun Washington or it will surely spread into neighboring Missouri and Florida."
A Chicago Times-Post-Courier-Sun-Herald reporter then asked the dry, creaky Arizona legislator if Mr. Novak had in fact catapulted past Mr. Romney as the most likely pick to become Mr. McCain's running mate.
"It would be a good fit," Mr. McCain replied. "Bob Novak is old as hell, changes positions a lot, has a famously short fuse, and hardcore right wingers despise him. I tell you, it's as if we're twins, separated at birth a hundred years ago."
Security at the upcoming Democratic National Convention, scheduled to commence August 25 in Denver, CO, was increased following reports of Mr. Novak's traffic citation.
"We'll double our parking lot patrols," said DNC Safety Director David Neal Basore, "and put all of our surveillance teams on the highest alert. There's absolutely no way a jaywalker or Robert Novak will get through our gates."
