McCain Advocates Phil Gramm Surge

Detroit, MI -- Despite the Bush Administration's agreement with Iraqi leaders to discuss a timetable for a drawdown of U.S. troops from Iraq, GOP presidential candidate Senator John McCain insists America must not "cut and run" or "quit like little bitches."

Mr. McCain, the presumptive Republican nominee, gave a stern warning while attending a town hall-style meeting at the General Motors Technical Center in Detroit on Friday.

"My friends -- and I truly think of all of you as friends -- listen up," Mr. McCain told supporters and press. "The U.S. will withdraw from Iraq only after victory is achieved. We will achieve that victory by pounding the terrorists as if they are economical cuts of flank steak."

"I have the military and foreign policy experience to make statements like that," he continued in a strident, nasally voice, "even if I clearly can't tell the difference between a Shiite and a Sunni

Mr. McCain dismissed recent media reports about the resignation of his campaign co-manager and economic policy advisor, former U.S. Senator from Texas, Phil Gramm.

In fact, the feisty Arizona Senator plans to send his trusted associate to the Middle East, ostensibly to monitor the performance of Democratic presidential rival Senator Barack Obama who will be there on a fact-finding mission.

"Phil Gramm is an old and trusted comrade," said Mr. McCain. "While some of you may want to keep loyal friends close by your side, I prefer to send them to the world's most volatile and conflicted regions -- places like Iraq or Washington DC."

"Guns, butter, and retired Senators," he added. "That's what it takes to win a war."

Mr. Obama has embarked on a weeklong tour of Europe and the Middle East. His itinerary includes harrowing visits to tinderbox trouble-spots such as Iraq, Afghanistan, Palestine, and France.

Although the presumed Democratic presidential candidate enjoys the narrowest of leads in U.S. opinion polls, his remarkable popularity worldwide appears to be based on an overwhelming "anybody but a dogmatic neocon in the White House" attitude.

For his part, former Senator Gramm has promised to promote Mr. McCain's candidacy while at the same time exploiting the negative reaction to Mr. Obama's nearly certain foreign policy missteps.

"Winners," insisted Mr. Gramm, a millionaire banker and softcore porn investment hobbyist. "Winners, not whiners. I said Americans were winners."