Iran Launches Oil Barrels into Persian Gulf

Tehran, Iran -- The global petroleum market threw up a little in its throat Thursday as Iran commenced a second consecutive day of test firing oil-filled surface-to-surface missiles.

Determined to prove its courage, fortitude, and earnest resistance to common sense, the radical Islamic republic launched an estimated five hundred fully laden medium- and short-range Shahab-3, Scud-C, and Hoot missiles into the Straits of Hormuz, gateway to 40% of the world's fuel supply.

"Let it be clear to all who would dare threaten the Iranian people," said Revolutionary Guards General Mostafa Fattah, "our great nation will retaliate using every vessel at its disposal. To any aggressor planning a land assault, I tell you: the desert sands will be drowned in light sweet crude oil."

In a direct yet predictable contradiction to General Fattah's defiant words, Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad insisted the multi-day missile test's purpose was not intended to be hostile or provocative.

"We are interested in more efficiently serving the world's energy needs," Mr. Ahmadinejad said in a conciliatory statement released by IRNA, the Iranian state-run news agency. "Our talented engineers are simply researching faster, more effective delivery systems. Iran's mission is peaceful -- if that mission coincidentally enhances my own personal investment portfolio, then that is just a side benefit."

"Within a few years," he continued, "we hope to have perfected the means of speedily transporting large volumes of nuclear fuel as well."

Iran's missiles have a payload capacity of "approximately fifty barrels of oil each," according to Dr. Ian Clarke-Ballantine, Middle East expert for Great Britain's eminent military reference publication Jane's All the World's Tactical Liquid Deployment Systems.

"Those Shahab-3s have a range of up to 1,250 miles," he said, "which is sufficient to threaten Israel, U.S. troops in Iraq, and commodity futures brokers worldwide. These are oil exports on a scale previously unimaginable."

"The Israelis won't wait for those things to go whistling overhead in Tel Aviv and cause petrol prices to surge," Dr. Clarke-Ballantine added. "The IDF has been known to plan preemptive air strikes simply because someone submitted a badly edited article about Israel to Wikipedia. They're a little edgy."

The Iranian military is ranked eighth largest in the world; its air force, navy, and army boast combined firepower marginally superior to that found in Detroit, Michigan.

Besides missiles, Iran's defense options also include using its fleet of nimble speedboats to dump barrels of oil directly into international waters, and converting its vast oilfields into untenably overpriced theme parks, either of which strategies would impose even more pressure on troubled petroleum traders.

Meanwhile, U.S. President George W. Bush appealed for calm as he urged jittery speculators and investors to look on the bright side: their obscenely huge profits induced by volatile market conditions.

"The Iranians' actions could be perceived as provocative, I'll admit," he said on his way home from this year's G8 summit in Japan, "but if shooting a few puny missiles into the sea makes them happy, so be it. We could use a little oil on those troubled waters over there."

"America is committed to engaging in a peaceful dialogue with Iran," Mr. Bush continued. "Our State Department is actively working on scheduling new discussions and maybe even some social activities. I have sent Mr. Ahmadinejad numerous messages saying we can take him out anytime."