InBev Buys Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac
St. Louis, MO -- International megabrewer InBev NV expanded its portfolio of acquisitions Tuesday by successfully purchasing majority interests in troubled U.S. mortgage lenders Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.
The deal closed shortly after American beer giant Anheuser-Busch's acceptance of a $952 billion takeover bid by the Belgian-based but Brazilian-operated purveyor of malted barley beverages.
"Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac have endured troubled times lately," said InBev CEO Carlos Brito, "but that will change now that they have joined our corporate family. A little tweaking, some layoffs -- there is no limit to what we can achieve together."
"We often make our expansion decisions based on brand equity," Mr. Brito added. "However, in this particular case the first thing we will do is change those incredibly stupid company names."
New nomenclature rumored to be under consideration includes South American Rainforest Financing, Old Trappist Monk Home Loans, Labatt Light Mortgage, and Stella Mae.
InBev's action promises quick relief for a sputtering U.S. housing market that has threatened to collapse beneath its own bloated bloatedness.
"An injection of cash into Fannie and Freddie at this time is nothing short of a miracle," according to mortgage enthusiast Morgan Pierce. "Of course, thousands of loan writers, financial consultants, and branch managers will have to learn how to scrub copper beer-brewing kettles."
Organized labor expressed concerns about InBev's assumption of control over Anheuser-Busch's operations, and union leaders predicted drastic employee cuts.
"InBev has a bad history of slashing costs to improve its profit margins," said Teamsters union steward Ron Claypool. "News of President Bush's decision to end the offshore drilling moratorium sounded encouraging at first -- our furloughed brothers and sisters could be retrained to become oil rig drillers, toolpushers, and derrickmen."
"Unfortunately," he continued, "all of those people from Countrywide Financial Corporation, IndyMac, and Madonna's world tour got to the front of the line first."
