G8 Kind of Sucks

Sapporo, Japan -- Thousands of protesters grotesquely resembling world leaders have begun gathering on Japan's Hokkaido island in anticipation of Monday's 2008 Group of Eight summit.

A quarter of a million police officers were dispatched to the tiny Toyako lakeside resort in anticipation of violent activism that could include anti-globalization rallies, demands for climate-affecting environmental policy changes, and pathetic whining about the supposedly dwindling global food supply.

"Our men are trained, capable, and highly motivated," said Japanese Prime Minister Yasuo Fukuda. "It is easy to identify and control the radical elements—all we have to do is search for scary big-headed freaks who look like President George W. Bush, Chancellor Angela Merkel, or me."

Japan, Russia, Britain, Germany, France, Italy, Canada, and the United States—the current G8—bear heavy criticism for possessing 90% of the world's wealth, consuming 93% of its resources, controlling 85% of its military assets, and producing 97% of its reality-TV programs.

Each of these most powerful nations holds an adequate food supply, although much of it is contaminated, e.g., tomatoes or ground beef, or otherwise toxic, e.g., all fast food. Poorer countries cheerfully subsist on scant rations of rice, maize, sorghum, and cardboard.

Sponsored by French (and European Union) President Nicolas Sarkozy, the idea of expanding the Group of Eight is gaining support. Proposed new members include the so-called Group of Five, also known as the Outreach Five or the Plus Five: China, Brazil, South Africa, Mexico, and India.

"Adding more countries is okay as far as it goes," said President Sarkozy, "but it has to be a good number. G8 sounds cool. For sure, G13 does not have the same zip."

There are many critical issues to be addressed at this week's conference, the impact of which will be felt for years and even decades to come.

"We really wanted to meet on the Balearic Islands of Menorca because the beaches are so much nicer," Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper told reporters upon arrival in Japan Sunday, "but that rat bastard Group of Five had already booked the best hotel there."

"I'm not suggesting they're like the Axis of Evil or anything," Mr. Harper continued. "I'm just sayin'."

Many of the presumed G8 demonstrators were in fact Japanese and Korean alien enthusiasts who could not afford the fourteen-hour flight to Roswell, NM to attend the annual UFO festival.

"I put a lot of time and energy into my costume," said Tokyo financial analyst Yuji Katayama. "I can't help it if world leaders look, act, and sound so much like the Space People."