British Tabloids: Amy Winehouse Better Than Britney

London, England -- Troubled British pop vocal sensation Amy Winehouse won a ringing endorsement from the UK press, which used its annual Awards Banquet at the Royal Albert Hall to confer the honor Tuesday.

Trashy newspapers and websites across Great Britain named the tattooed diva their #1 source for cynical, exploitative headlines above all other entertainment industry trainwrecks and basket cases.

"Amy's got it all," The Daily Mirror Sun Post's editor Iain Toffett commented. "That voice, the body art, her trademark hair, her compromised respiratory system -- there's nothing that bird can't achieve, short of climbing a flight of stairs unassisted."

Thanks to second-placed Britney Spears's recent progress at appearing normal, and third-best Miley Cyrus most likely a year or two away from doing something completely shocking and stupid, Britain's shrill, spastic neo-journalists found it easy to confirm their native favorite.

A publicist for tenth-placed actress and sometime-pinup Lindsay Lohan said her client's relative lack of name recognition in the United Kingdom left room for improvement, and suggested plans were in the works to achieve greater international notoriety.

"It's often been said Lindsay couldn't even get arrested in England," said Rhonda Marcum of the NYC-based Sease, Pierce & Marcum Agency. "I promise you that is not the case. It's simply about motive and opportunity."

Ms. Winehouse's acclaim could not have come at a better time for the sultry, beehived songstress, whose husband Blake Fielder-Civil received on the same day a twenty-seven month prison sentence for his June, 2006 conviction on dual charges of beating a Hoxton pub landlord and attempting to smoke a wicker chair.

While worldwide support for Ms. Winehouse has ebbed and flowed -- depending upon her daily batshit-crazy antics -- the devotion of her UK media fan base reflects traditional British values of loyalty, perseverance, and clinging tenaciously to lost causes.

"Well, if it weren't for Amy," said The Globe and Standard Mail Tribune's celebrity news blogger Nigel Hogg-Chutney, "we'd be covering the Spice Girls, Girls Aloud, Atomic Kitten, Sugababes, and that boring old Formula One pervert Max Mosley. Amy Winehouse's life is a delight -- we don't have to fabricate or exaggerate a thing."

"When Victoria and David Beckham left home for America," Mr. Hogg-Chutney continued, "we thought we were done for, but Amy is like money in the bank."

For her part, the multiple Grammy Award winner was philosophical. Although at times appearing confused whether she is in fact married to Mr. Fielder-Civil, singer Pete Doherty, or religious icon the Dalai Lama, Ms. Winehouse declared herself "bloody devoted" and "itchy from them spiders crawling up me bum."

"Blake and me, we'll be wanting to have twins as soon as he gets out of jail, won't we?" Ms. Winehouse told an imaginary reporter in London. "We're not decided on the species."