Houston, TX -- Republican presidential candidate Senator John McCain presented a multi-part plan he hopes will overcome the United States' increasingly serious energy challenges.
Well known for his command of critical issues like national defense and servicing lobbyists, the feisty Arizona fossil is clearly attempting to raise his game in light of current poll results that show him trailing Democratic Senator Barack Obama.
Mr. McCain's proposal, details of which were disclosed on Tuesday, plays to a portion of the electorate that believes "alternative fuel source" means siphoning gas from their neighbors' cars and trucks.
"My friends, our nation's energy independence is one of my highest priorities," the presumptive GOP 2008 presidential nominee told supporters in Houston, Texas. "If there are barrels of oil buried beneath the Gulf of Mexico, well then, we must go out there and dig them up."
"Obviously it's much easier to play out existing commercial arrangements than it is to implement newer technologies," he continued. "For example, developing lighter, more fuel-efficient microcars might not be the best way to get all of these Hummers out of driveways and back on the streets."
Instead of trying to control Middle East petroleum supply lines or exploit untapped domestic deposits, Mr. McCain reasons, the US should invade small, highly-developed nations like Belgium or New Zealand and seize their mass transit systems, economical automobiles, and bicycles.
"Those countries have been paying, like, ten, fifteen bucks a gallon for years," he said, "so they've learned to be thrifty with fuel. America cannot afford to fall further behind in the conservation race."
Despite the pressures compounded by a tightening race, Mr. McCain reaffirmed his commitment to keeping the campaign focused on issues rather than resorting to cheap personal potshots.
"We've agreed to keep comments about each other's spouse out of the fray," according to Mr. McCain. "Nobody is going to make abusive comments about my wife, except for me."
"Senator McCain's White House run is in trouble and he knows it," said political blogger and international arms dealer Nathan Scott Eames. "He had a free ride while Hillary and Obama were slugging it out but now he's having a hard time convincing people he's relevant."
"If he wants to capture the public's attention," Mr. Eames added, "he should post hot pictures of a young Cindy McCain on his website. All I have to do on my blog is just say 'hot pictures of a young Cindy McCain' and I get two or three million hits."
