Microsoft to Merge with Scarlett Johansson

Redmond, WA -- Having failed to get into Yahoo!'s pants, Microsoft Corporation changed tactics and announced its intention to acquire beautiful 23-year-old movie actress Scarlett Johansson.

Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer explained the software/Internet giant's plan during a press conference on Monday.

"We simply must possess Scarlett before Apple or Google put the moves on her," Mr. Ballmer said. "The last time our stockholders were this excited was when we settled our monopoly case in 2001."

"Scarlett is super-pretty and super-hot," he added. "We just want to stroke her hair and maybe turn her into a game or a screensaver or something."

Industry experts suggest that Microsoft is on the rebound and not thinking clearly.

"Sure," said monopolistic-mega-corporation enthusiast Dwight Fleece, "MS may be a self-serving and overly ambitious commercial entity bent on world domination and crushing all who stand in its path, but it has a sensitive, vulnerable side as well."

"Microsoft feels jilted after its unconsummated flirtation with those dirty whores at Yahoo!," Mr. Fleece continued, "and now it's just looking for love. The situation is sad, but sweet."

After months of speculation, Microsoft's bid to buy rival Yahoo! was withdrawn when the smaller company's co-founder Jerry Yang deemed the offer "not big enough and kind of lame."

The obscenely rich Mr. Yang—wealthy enough to afford much better hair—has subsequently issued statements in which he contends Microsoft was totally hot for his company's search engine capabilities and "rockin' bod" yet ultimately failed to impress the whimsically-named Sunnyvale, CA-based email provider.

In Microsoft's defense, Mr. Ballmer insisted that recent overtures to Yahoo! were "not that serious" and "when we're buzzed we'll say anything to get laid."

"We still hang out with Yahoo!," he added. "I guess you could say we hope they'll become 'friends with benefits,' so deal with it."

Mr. Ballmer emphatically underscored Microsoft's commitment to Ms. Johansson, and promised the huge multinational technology giant would do everything within its awesome power to win the buxom blonde bombshell's affection.

"Don't worry about what people say regarding Microsoft and trust," he said. "Antitrust is about business practices, not about love."