John Edwards Kicks Hillary to Curb

Tualatin, Oregon -- An embattled Senator Hillary Clinton received yet another sharp blow to the head Wednesday when it was announced John Edwards would endorse Senator Barack Obama.

Mr. Edwards—a former U.S. Senator, vice presidential candidate, trial lawyer, and Chippendale dancer who is currently not doing anything at all—finally decided it was safe to align himself with a 2008 Democratic presidential candidate.

"I decided to act as if I've given it a lot of thought," Mr. Edwards told a crowd of Mr. Obama's supporters at a rally in Grand Rapids, Michigan, "and the time to offer this empty, meaningless gesture to my former rival is now."

Standing behind the podium and looking important for possibly the last time in his political career, Mr. Edwards declared himself "proud and happy" to have "little or no impact" on Mr. Obama's inevitable nomination.

Dismissing suggestions his support for the presumptive nominee is motivated by selfish political ambition, Mr. Edwards insisted he has absolutely, positively no interest in a repeat run for the vice presidency.

"Nope, been there, done that, got fifty thousand T-shirts left in my garage," said the dauntingly handsome hunk of beefcake. "I've already tried that gig and it didn't really gel. "

Mrs. Clinton continued to campaign aggressively, insisting she is "in it to win it" and "payin' to stay in." The New York U.S. Senator and ex-First Lady spoke to a crowd of fervent supporters at a Taco Bell in suburban Portland, Oregon on Thursday.

"I thought John was my boy," Mrs. Clinton told reporters as she left for the airport. "Why he gotta do me like that?"