Bernanke: Banks, Oil Companies are Lying, Greedy Bastards

Washington, DC -- Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke has issued a gloomy yet pessimistic assessment of America's ongoing fiscal crisis.

During his remarks to the House Financial Services Committee on Friday, Mr. Bernanke became enraged and threw a drinking glass at Committee head Rep. Barney Frank (D-MA).

"Everybody keeps asking me what I'm going to do about the damned economy," the 54-year-old Fed Chairman told the House panel. "Why don't they just go out and buy something and leave me alone?"

"Sure, I can drop interest rates again," Mr. Bernanke continued, "or US consumers can just drop their pants and take what's coming to them."

During his appearance before Congress, Mr. Bernanke seemed at times tense and irritable, or sullen and insolent. When the subjects of predatory banks and opportunistic oil companies were raised, Mr. Bernanke removed one of his shoes and used it to pound on a table while unleashing a verbal torrent of curses and invectives.

Refusing to speak with reporters as he left Capitol Hill, the grumpy financial guru was overheard muttering about "Big Oil weasels" and "rat bastard lending institutions."

With global markets putting ever-increasing pressure on a weak US Dollar, and spiraling petroleum prices threatening to sucker punch shell-shocked motorists, Mr. Bernanke's words and actions were construed by some analysts to be the manic thrashings of a desperate man.

"Ben's losing it," said experienced Fed Chairman watcher Dan Trench. "He lacks the physical presence of a Paul Volcker and the charisma of an Alan Greenspan, so I think he's feeling like he's in over his head."

Mr. Trench, editor of the popular website "Never Fed Up With Fed Chairmen," insists that Mr. Bernanke still had a few more cards to play.

"There are rumors the Fed will cut interest rates to below 0%," Mr. Trench said. "By setting rates that low, banks will actually pay creditors to borrow money instead of charging them for it."

"Of course," he added, "it will work just like the way credit card companies do it—you get people hooked, and then you change the terms. That's some bitchin' monetary policy, you bet."