Clinton Advisor Takes Imaginary Bullet for Campaign

Albuquerque, NM -- Senator Hillary Clinton's sputtering presidential bid took another hit Sunday with the resignation of chief anti-strategist Mark Penn.

"Mark has served my campaign with honor and distinction," Senator Clinton said Sunday evening, "although since he's stepping down we'll never know if his tactic of letting my poll figures slip twenty points was going to be successful in the end."

"I remember the time we spent together in Bosnia," the former First Lady continued, "when small-arms fire kept us pinned down for days, and snipers' bullets whizzed overhead."

Mr. Penn received heavy criticism when his public relations consultancy business agreed to assist Colombia in efforts to rehabilitate the troubled South American nation's ugly reputation for being overrun by terrorists and drug traffickers hostile to the United States.

Senator Clinton's official position is that Colombia should be overrun by coffee growers friendly to the United States.

The one-time Democratic presidential frontrunner's loss of a key advisor is a grave setback—Pennsylvania's critical primary election April 22 is just weeks away.

Clinton campaign manager Maggie Williams dismissed the turmoil as "a blip" incapable of derailing Senator Clinton's "socially relevant, credible effort to build a White House dynasty."

"All right," said Ms. Williams, "we may have given Barack Obama some grief back when his advisor sucked up to the Canadians over NAFTA, but that's not the same thing at all. Obama's supposed to be the 'change candidate'. It's different when we do that stuff."

In a taped interview aired on Fox News, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Senator John McCain refused to gloat over his Democratic colleague's tribulations.

"My friend and fellow legislator Hillary is a fine woman," said the GOP maverick, "and she's capable of handling any and all challenges. I admire her greatly and would be proud to have her as my running mate. No matter what party."

"She's smart, she's sassy, and she's kind of cute," Senator McCain continued. "She deserves someone who really, truly appreciates her."

Back on the campaign trail, Senator Clinton stood by her recently disputed stump speech story about an Ohio hospital's alleged refusal to treat an underinsured pregnant woman, Trina Bechtel.

"I remember the time we spent together in Bosnia," said Senator Clinton, "when small-arms fire kept us pinned down for days, and snipers' bullets whizzed overhead."