CBS News: Katie Couric is a Purebred Female Dog

New York, NY – Frustrated by its Evening News program's chronically underperforming ratings, CBS is considering the early release of grossly overpaid news stylist Katie Couric.

"The closest Katie comes to being an anchor is the way she drags down the entire News Division," said a highly placed network executive who spoke on condition of animosity.

"It turns out Dan Rather was not the only one around this place to make some bad calls," the source added. "We screwed up big-time when we brought her over here."

As soon as CBS announced its controversial selection of Ms. Couric to be Mr. Rather's permanent replacement, television news industry insiders were critical. Many experts predicted the former NBC Today Show star would struggle to transfer her acidic perkiness to TV news broadcasting.

Although she is not as huggably lovable as ABC anchor Charlie Gibson or as beautiful as NBC's Brian Williams, Ms. Couric was confident and defiant.

"Serious journalism is something I always wanted to try," the leggy 51 year-old said immediately after signing her $15 million per year contract in April 2006. "I think I bring something to the big leagues that none of those old guys can. Walter Cronkite should just retire."

After two years behind the desk, however, Katie Couric is getting her news-broadcasting ass kicked.

"Viewers think she's shallow and unconvincing," said media analyst Robert "Sparky" Maxwell, "but more significantly, her entire staff thinks she's a bitch—Katie's far worse than Bob Schieffer, a guy known throughout the business to be a big prima donna."

"She does have her some mighty fine gams, though," Mr. Maxwell added. "And those crazy eyes."

The embattled news anchor is expected to hang on to her job until the Presidential Inauguration in January.

"It's very exciting, covering the candidates and everything," Ms. Couric said recently, "although I'm not sure if Barack Obama can beat Hillary Clinton in the general election. We'll have to wait until November to find out."

Ms. Couric, whose contract was originally written to expire in 2011, is rumored to be receptive to the possibility of an early exit from the CBS Evening News. The veteran fluff journalist has allegedly expressed a desire to spend more time not researching Katie Couric's Notebook articles that ghostwriters plagiarize and then publish in her name.

"If that doesn't work out, there's always infomercials," Ms. Couric said, "or I could go back to Virginia and be a car dealer spokesmodel."