Video Gamers to Handle National Defense, Homeland Security
Washington, DC -- White House Press Secretary Dana Perino announced a new Executive Order intended to bolster America's resistance to terrorism and nuclear missile attacks. The plan, unveiled Thursday at a briefing in the Rose Garden, is founded on mobilization and deployment of the nation's video game addicts and exploiting their unique skill set.
"President Bush is calling on all gamers to beat their Nintendo, PlayStation, or Xbox consoles into swords." Ms. Perino said in her remarks, "The President's initiative will enable our uniquely qualified experts to combat the evil objectives of other uniquely qualified experts who intend to do the United States harm."
Reaction from a random sampling of the nearly 155 million U.S. gaming junkies was generally positive, although a majority of those surveyed refused to pause their games and respond to requests for an interview.
"I can't wait," said Odessa, TX high school student megahellfire2010. "It will kick World of Warcraft's ass. The military always gets the best hardware, the simulations are almost better than reality, and we'll get to blow things up."
"It sounds kind of like a job, but cooler," said ***deathkill2489***, a 37-year-old parking lot attendant living with his grandparents in Red Bank, NJ. "I'm willing to give it a try. I just don't want it to interfere with my other interests—playing Guitar Hero, posting inflammatory troll messages on blogs and forums, and surfing the 'Net for nipple-slip images or YouTube car wreck videos."
Some high-tech role-playing couch potatoes were less enthusiastic but promised to keep an open mind.
"It would have been awesome to do this in that cool NORAD tracking installation under the mountain that was shut down," said unemployed Ann Arbor, MI management consultant JJ_beastslayer21. "I'm betting they came up with something better, like a secret city floating beneath the ocean, or maybe inside a fake volcano. If you'd rather play Star Kingdoms, you're just a pathetic loser."
Many players are expected to report for duty as missile-tracking laser dragoons, remote robotic command experts, or airport security agents. Others would be assigned to augment the airline industry's over-taxed control tower staff. Gamers' well-known ability to stare at a screen for shifts as long as 12 hours—without even taking a pee break—would vastly improve the beleaguered air traffic controller trade's operating efficiencies and employee morale.
"As long as we protect our game players from direct sunlight and good nutrition," the fine, foxy Ms. Perino told reporters, "no enemy will ever prevail over us. We're asking dedicated, pale, pasty-fleshed freaks to get out of their mothers' remodeled basements, and serve America."
"Our biggest concern," Ms. Perino added, "is the possibility of these heroes being distracted by the inappropriate attention of gamer 'groupies'. Women are irresistibly attracted to a fellow who has eye-hand coordination that is capable of extracting the maximum from a game console or computer mouse. It's so hot."
