Washington, DC -- U.S. President George W. Bush responded forcefully to reports of his latest low job approval ratings Thursday, by placing the nation's armed forces on high alert.
Subscribing to the traditional presidential method of using saber-rattling and bellicose threats to divert American citizens' attention, President Bush insisted that "all-out war" should be waged against his own unpopularity.
"If history judges my job performance to be the absolute pits," Mr. Bush told reporters, "then our strategy failed and the polltakers have won."
In the course of almost two full four-year terms, the forty-third President of the United States has managed to post the all-time highest and close to the lowest public opinion scores when compared to his White House predecessors.
Results from the latest surveys spotlight some of the standing President's deficiencies: 87% of those polled were convinced that a sack lunch left in a school locker all summer would perform better than the former Texas governor. Similarly, Mr. Bush's overall appeal was adjudged to be far lower than a sucking chest wound, an IRS audit, or a bad case of head lice.
One out of three respondents admitted they would rather break up a sexually adventurous and emotionally satisfying relationship than endure the rest of Mr. Bush's presidential term. Nearly all men and women surveyed, however, would chose to forego making amazing hot monkey love with the President if doing so meant he would leave office immediately.
Predictably, high-ranking Administration officials defended Mr. Bush's leadership.
"Well, he can be pretty lame," said reclusive Republican Vice-president Dick Cheney, "but at least he hasn't managed to get our country blown up like the Democrats will."
President Bush insisted that diplomatic efforts to boost the public's perception of his effectiveness had proved ineffective—justifying a military assault.
"After I send a little shock-and-awe love letter to my poll results," the U.S. Commander-in-Chief said, "we'll see who's calling me small-eyed, mean, and obtuse. It's time to go negative on negativity."
In contrast to the President's flagging popularity, 79% of all Americans believe that members of both Houses of Congress should be used to sandbag rising floodwaters in the Midwest—with the legislators themselves serving as sandbags.
