Houston, TX -- Arizona Senator John McCain effectively clinched the 2008 GOP presidential nomination Tuesday, following Mike Huckabee's withdrawal from contention after the former Arkansas Governor lost major primaries in Ohio and Texas.
In a campaign season already boiling with controversy, the irritable yet grouchy McCain increased the heat on Democrats by naming his preferred Republican vice-presidential running mate.
"My friends," Senator McCain told several hundred supporters crowded into a Luby's cafeteria in Cypress, a Houston suburb, "this is an unprecedented opportunity to show how far the Republican Party has come, and how far we're willing to go. My choice for vice-president is Academy Award-winning actress and comedy star Whoopi Goldberg. She's female, black, and Jewish, and together we will win in November."
Senator McCain's shortlist of possible VPs included NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr., supermodel Heidi Klum, and recently retired football quarterback Brett Favre, but the final choice was clearly conceived to preempt any Democratic advantage achievable from a likely Clinton/Obama or Obama/Clinton pairing.
"I refuse to accept that you have to play the race cards you are dealt," Senator McCain said in Texas. "The opposition might have female, they might have black, but we'll be running Jewish, too."
Although Ms. Goldberg does not actively practice Judaism and has not supported or endorsed the presumptive Republican presidential nominee, Senator McCain declared the popular entertainer's name "more than Jewish enough" and that her likeability and sense of humor would add "warmth, humanity, and a sense of comedic timing" to the GOP ticket.
"At fifty-two she is barely half my age," said Senator McCain, "so as a team we will offer a formidable blend of youthfulness and maturity."
"Age and experience do matter," the gruff yet cantankerous former POW added. "It's easier to learn the historical lessons of past centuries if you are old enough to have actually lived through several of them."
I had to look twice this is totally insane forget Mc Cain! If something happens to McCain as President can you see her as President!!! where is Huckabee????
Posted by: sks | March 05, 2008 at 09:41 PM
This has GOT to be a joke...
Posted by: CC | March 05, 2008 at 09:49 PM
If it were insane or a joke, we wouldn't be allowed to publish it on the Internet.
There are rules, you know. It's not the Wild West.
Posted by: Michael Grant Smith | March 05, 2008 at 10:11 PM
"Senator McCain's shortlist of possible VPs included NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr., supermodel Heidi Klum, and recently retired football quarterback Brett Favre, but the final choice was clearly conceived to preempt any Democratic advantage achievable from a likely Clinton/Obama or Obama/Clinton pairing." LMAO this hilarious, bravo!!!
Posted by: jamie | March 06, 2008 at 02:03 AM
You should have seen Senator McCain's longlist. It included some really impressive historical figures.
Posted by: Michael Grant Smith | March 06, 2008 at 07:25 AM
Silly Smith! Of course, journalism is the Wild, Wild West! You guys can publish anything your editor feels will get a reaction! This started when the radio broadcast of War Of The Worlds made H.G. Wells a household name! You just have to print a retraction the next day!
But back to the subject: I haven't yet seen it reported anywhere else, but John McCain has such a good sense of humor that he probably DID say that! And I'm think that Whoopi would make a good V.P., it she wants the job! Good sense of humor and a single mom, she has experienced more of what any American citizen can have experienced than most politicians: I don't know if she has ever been poor, but she has been a rich movie star and still seems to retain a sense of humility, she's seen discrimination, and she doesn't like to fly. Works for me!
Posted by: Jamie P | March 06, 2008 at 08:52 AM
He is literally saying "There is nothing to Obama as a person, he is just a black guy or Hilary is nothing but just a woman." I think this is a huge insult (also for Mrs. Goldberg). So shallow, he is degrading his two very respectable opponents to old fashion stereotypes. What a misogynist and racist. I think Clinton is the best of 3 because she got the best resume for god's sake. And Obama is a firmly emerging brilliant person who this 71 years old man could only wish to have half of his genius. What a dirty, disrespectful language for his age. Big daddy should have known better that time of such discrimination is something of the past. It is time of all inclusive patriotism for US.
Posted by: JeffieNY | March 06, 2008 at 09:06 AM
JEFFIENY -
... have you ever heard of sarcasm? I really hope you're posting that comment with a bit of your own, otherwise...
I hope you write for The Onion.
Posted by: Mary | March 06, 2008 at 10:06 AM
Did Whoopi lobby for the V.P. job? If so, McCain really did "make Whoopi" with a lobbyist...
Posted by: Artie | March 06, 2008 at 10:38 AM
Thanks, everyone, for stopping by -- especially Mary.
There will be no retractions and no regrets.
Please visit this site's FAQ page for more information about our commitment to journalistic integrity or something close to that.
Posted by: Michael Grant Smith | March 06, 2008 at 09:40 PM