Geert Wilders' Fitna Movie: Bill O'Reilly Declares Jihad

Amsterdam, The Netherlands -- Controversial far-right Dutch politician Geert Wilders' provocative dissertation Fitna hit the Internet March 27. Even before the seventeen minute film's release, protests erupted due to the incendiary subject matter contained within.

The movie is a documentary-style exposé of American trash-journalist Bill O'Reilly's militant calls for violent demonstrations and reprisals against "unbelievers" who dare to oppose his dogma.

"Bill O'Reilly is one of modern society's greatest threats to personal safety, individual's rights, and freedom of thought," Mr. Wilders told reporters outside the Binnenhof government offices in Amsterdam. "He has taken a benign doctrine and corrupted it to serve his own petty agenda. O'Reilly can, how do they say in America, dish it out but he cannot take it."

"I don't have anything against Fox News viewers," the maverick legislator continued. "They are people just like you and me. My concern is with O'Reilly's fascist message of intolerance and hate. If you slam the guy, he comes after you."

Socially liberal Holland, normally known for easily available prostitution, pot smoking, and money laundering, officially denounced Mr. Wilders' assertions.

"As a nation, we Dutch are pretty laid back," said Prime Minister Jan Peter Balkenende, "but this has gone too far. Geert Wilders' self-aggrandizing extremism, as exemplified by his funny facial expressions and poofy blonde hair, brings shame to the Netherlands."

Mr. Wilders, founder and leader of the Party for Freedom, dismissed his government's condemnation, calling it "lame" and "what you'd expect from a bunch of douchebag wimps."

"They're only criticizing me because they fear O'Reilly's terrible retribution if they don't," he added. "Thanks to my round-the-clock police protection and a team of highly-trained and heavily armed bodyguards, I'm not afraid of that bastard."

A further security measure employed by Mr. Wilders is the use of a body double.

"Yes," he said, "if you think you see me hanging around in the Amsterdam coffee houses, or at a sex shop in De Wallen, it's actually just my decoy."

The Dutch renegade revealed his intention to produce another, even more controversial documentary if he can find a partner who will pay half the production costs.

"Mean-spirited and hateful conservative nutjob commentator Ann Coulter is, in fact, a man," said Mr. Wilders. "My new project's working title is Adam's Apple."