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Not Nearly Perishable

Special Report -- I was fired from my latest job, on the grounds of "Just Because." I don't pretend to understand the fancy legalese involved. It was good work though, and I'm going to miss it.

You know those restaurant commercials that depict an actor raising a beautiful sandwich -- carefully; lovingly; savoring the moment -- and then the scene changes before anyone bites anything? Those realistic-looking but inedible menu items are crafted by food artists like me! I thought I was doing a good job with the entry-level condiments, and fully anticipated promotion to bun airbrushing or even becoming a lettuce wrangler…but it was not to be.

My boss said the reasons added up to a list that could fill a library. What the hell does that mean? I looked at the "library" entry on Wikipedia. Apparently, a library was a big room filled with books, dust, and virgins. There are far better knowledge resources nowadays. Television works very well. If you want total and unfailing accuracy, however, you simply must go to the Internet.

Splendid Holiday Recipes -- From My Home to Yours

The only thing I think about this time of year is sharing food and drink with my family and friends. My family, at least -- I don't have many friends besides old Mrs. Crotch next door, Doug (I think that's his name) at the beer drive-thru, and Yelling Boy, that skateboard kid who screams at me when I walk out to my car after work.

No matter how delicious my recipes turn out, I thrust ahead on my journey toward culinary transcendence. My pilgrimage excites and terrifies me. There are so many foods yet to put in my mouth. I need more time.

Seasoned Greetings, fellow travelers!

Best Eggnog Ever

A traditional wintertime beverage, now with bold, modernistic tweaks.
                                                                                           
1 qt. skim milk
1 dozen eggs
3 cups dairy sour cream
1 cup plus one tablespoon powdered non-dairy creamer
1 pint vanilla-flavored liquid antacid
2 cups canola oil
1 liter premium Scotch whisky (gin or tequila may be substituted)
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper

Whisk canola oil, non-dairy creamer, and antacid into the eggs and beat until mixture becomes blended and frothy. Slowly add sour cream and skim milk; mix thoroughly. Leave uncovered and allow to stand at room temperature for one week. Stir in liquor and refrigerate for at least two hours. Serve chilled and sprinkle with nutmeg and cayenne pepper. Enough eggnog for five or six guests.

Baby and Bucky

The late afternoon sun broiled the self-storage units' flat rooftops. A mirage effect created the illusion of a cool lake floating atop wide, low block buildings. Bucky leaned back until his plastic deck chair quivered on the blacktop.

"Why do they call it late?" Bucky said to Baby and no one in particular. "It's here at the same time every day, more or less."

Baby's hair permanently screened her right eye like a curtain of fine blonde steel wool.

"You are the mighty oak that shades my babbling brook, King Dynamite," she said with a yellowish smile. "I dream constantly of your stout trunk and overspreading limbs."

Leonard "Bucky" Sawtooth was not handsome, unless he stood in a crowd of ugly men. Bucky did not seem to be particularly intelligent, unless he was packed into a room full of idiots. He was tolerated and mostly adored by his common-law wife, Doreen Shaker. Bucky called her "Baby."

Midlife Banking Crisis

Special Report -- Here's why I should start my own bank:

I appear very trustworthy and can project an image of calm reassurance that I combine with the illusion of giving a rat's ass.

You should see me when I'm wearing a suit jacket and without my body jewelry. Seriously, you won't know whether or not I mean what I say! If the bank venture doesn't work out I can apply my faux social skills to the restaurant or hotel industries.

Excerpts from the Future Testimony of Harriet Miers and Karl Rove

MS. MIERS: I have no recollection of that conversation.

MR. ROVE: Could you repeat the question, Congressman?

MS. MIERS: I don't remember.

MR. ROVE: Are you referring to the first President Bush or the second?

MS. MIERS: Sounds familiar but I can't say one way or the other.

MR. ROVE: At this point I would like to invoke my Fifth Amendment rights.

Fashion Week: As Luck Would Have It

Special Report -- I wore my lucky shoes today.

It's been close to fifteen years since I paid thirty dollars for those black cross trainer/walking shoes at El-Bee Shoe Outlet. Inexpensive, amazingly comfortable, go-with-everything footwear. My back never hurts when I wear them, even when I have to walk on or stand on concrete floors all day.

Those shoes were on my feet for many grueling stage productions. Lots of trade shows and factory visits, too. I wore my lucky shoes to China in 2005 but didn't walk all the way there -- I sat inside an airplane that flew over the North Pole.

My lucky shoes are casual enough to wear with jeans, yet smart-looking enough to complement dress pants. I wore them once with shorts and ankle-high black socks. It was a long day outside in the summer but my feet felt great. I don't think people in Ohio dress like that, though.

Brush Off the Fuzz and Dig In

Special Report -- Today's special: salmonella 'n' jelly sandwiches and tainted milk. Your choice of side dish includes cultured mayonnaise rind, fruit roll-up kimchee, or refrigerator-blackened cherry tomatoes.

Is the nation's food supply at risk or are people just belly-aching?

A lot of perfectly good groceries are thrown away simply because of paranoia, misinformation, and perversely conscientious eating habits.

Although sensational stories of pathogenic contamination grab headlines, some experts are still reheating debates as old as last Thanksgiving's turkey carcass.

"Expiration dates are for the weak-minded," according to food archivist Denny Frisch. "Food Nazis want you to think it's wrong to leave tuna salad on the kitchen counter for more than seventy-two hours in July."

You're Full of It, Says Manure Industry

New York, NY -- What a load. Hits the fan. Runs downhill. A lying sack of it.

Enough is enough, according to manure processors and resellers. Image is everything when it comes to marketplace perceptions, and the much-maligned poop business has decided to litigate for respect if it can't earn it.

"It's impossible to turn on the TV or use a computer without being bombarded by flawed examples harmful to our hard-earned brand equity," Manure Trade Association president Raymond Tonewell said in a press release. "Gov. Rod Blagojevich, former Merrill Lynch CEO John Thain, indicted broker Bernard Madoff -- calling one of these guys 'the biggest pile of feces' damages our product's reputation."

"For the record," Mr. Tonewell added, "the world's largest mass of solid waste resides in our museum: a 900 lb. bat guano sculpture of the late hotel heiress Leona Helmsley. Rush Limbaugh can't hold a candle to that, and he shouldn't because it's highly combustible."